Chapter 20: Dem Waan Chase Like Petal

See what had happened was.. It's in the past. A$$ A$$ A$$ A$$...  I wish Green was here to clown with me. Anyhoo.. S/o to @NickisCareBear. Follow her, she's a sweetheart. & Don't worry Onikafaree-ians.. I talked to her yesterday (the reason I couldn't keep my promise & post) She'll be back soon. Enjoy
                                                                                                                           Cooncerely,
                                                                                                                                       Green & Purp

          “Safaree. Stop knocking on my door.” I said groggily. He had been knocking constantly for the past 2 minutes. You’d think he’d get the hint by now.

          “Can I come in?” He said, cracking my door open.

          “And the point of asking was..?” I asked, waiting for him to fill in the blanks. He crossed the distance from the door to my bed, and crawled in beside me. We were so close that I could feel his body heat. He put his hand on my hip. Swear he stay reachin’.

          “I’m sorry about last night.” He said, close to my ear. I like how he just ignored my question. “I was just missin’ you. And you know how I feel about that nigga Drake.” I looked up to make eye contact. He ain’t start showing it until recently.

          “I do?” I asked with a twisted smirk.

          “You should.” He replied, still gazing off into space.

          “I should?” I continued.

          “Quit that.” He told me.

          “Whaaa?” I asked, pitch risin’ and shit.

“I know you just be playin’ dumb.”

“Whatever do you mean, Darling?” I teased in my British accent.

“I mean, cut dat shit out. You not blind to nobodies feelins but ya own.” He told me. Damn. Ain’t that the truth?

“Well if he picks you over me, you can have him.” I said monotonously, before turning onto my side, facing away from him. I felt him sit up. “People with common goals tend to hit it off… no need to compete when there isn’t a prize.” When he didn’t respond, I turn back around to see what he was doing. He was making that damn dead face again. Only this time it had a hint of disgust. I stuck my tongue out.

“And you swear up and down I’m the one who can’t take shit seriously.” He said. I sat up, glaring at him.

          “Safaree. Listen to me. I am NOT thinkin’ about a Drake. Okay? I’m not interested in him in the LEAST bit. He’s my BROTHER, just like the rest of them niggas in YM.”

          “OKAY, Nic. I’ma REMEMBER this conversation, and HOLD you to yo word.” I rolled my eyes and laid back down.

          “WHATEVER… Jerk.” I responded. He leaned over me.

          “You need to know something.” He began.

          “Do I want to know this something?”

          “It’s important.”

          “Really?” I asked sardonically.

          “The most.” He assured me.

“No, the most important thing I wanna know right now is why the hell you all up on me.” He chuckled and kissed my neck right underneath my jaw bone.

          “Nicki. You know I’m the perfect dude for you.” He kissed my shoulder. “I’ve been here, waiting... patiently.. for you. I think it’s time you admit how really feel about me.”

          “See, I definitely did NOT wanna hear this.” I said, sitting back up. I already knew where this was headed.

          “Well I don’t give a fuck.” He confessed, pulling me back down. I was in shock.

          “Excuse me!?!” I said, shoving him away. I meant to do it harder but there wasn’t enough space between us.

          “Nope. You gone listen AND respond this time.” He told me while pulling me into him. “No more fucking excuses.” I continued to resist, but of course I was losing in this battle of physical strength. So I had no other choice but to make it mental.

          “You mean, no more excuses to fuck?”

          “Hell no. You know deep down in yo heart that’s all I really want from you.” He said sarcastically. That shit still stung though.

          “Fuck You, Safaree.” I spat.

          “Naw. We gone talk first.”

          “I DON’T WANT TO TALK!” I yelled. I was officially pissed.

          “TOO BAD, CUZ I DON’T WANNA FUCK.” He said, matching my tone. I could feel tears start to form as I looked his lying ass in the face. I was trying to find some sort of regret, but he was deadass. It’s not like what he said hurt my feelings. Shit, dick is dick, and there’s millions of em’. It was why he said it that bothered me.

          “Whoa. What’s your deal?”

          “YOU! All I want to do is have a gotdamn conversation and you keep tryna dead it before it even starts.”

          “Well I don’t have to talk about anything I don’t want to. Especially when you just blurtin’ out random shit.”

          “Errrrrr!” He growled. I gave him a blank stare… I love to push his buttons.. “So it’s only okay when you do it?!”

          “Ya damn skippy!” He nudged me away, then pulled me back.

          “And I wasn’t being random. I was just tellin’ you how it is.”

          “Liiieeesss! You been molestin’ me since you came in here!”

“If we never fuck again I’d be the happiest coon alive!”

“What do you even expect me to say to that?!”

          “TO BE HONEST… nothing. I expect little to none from you when it comes to you caring about my feelins.” I pulled my arm loose to smack him and succeeded. He assumed I was gonna pull that shit from the day before, so he guarded his kids, leaving his face wide open. Dumbass.

          “Take it back!” I demanded, before he grabbed my arms, flipping me over onto my stomach, and pinning them behind me.

          “Why should I? It’s the truth.”

          “FAR FROM IT.” I yelled back, trying to break free.

          “You say you love me, but you don’t mean that shit.”

          “HOW DA FUCK YOU GONE TELL ME WHAT I MEAN?”

          “You keep saying you don’t wanna risk our friendship again..”

          “EXACTLLY! LOOK AT US!!” I yelled cutting him off.

          “You’re just scarred & scared!” He yelled back. The bastard was right and he knew it. I stopped resisting as tears began to stream down my face.

          “CAN YOU BLAME ME?!” I practically screamed.

          “No. I never did. But why do you blame me?”

          “I DON’T.” I said, trying to compose myself.

          “Well I can’t fuckin’ tell!”

          “It’s just..” I didn’t want to say anymore. I was physically & emotionally drained. Plus his grip was starting to hurt.

          “IT’S WHAT?!

          “You’re hurting me.”

          “YOU DON’T THINK I HURT? EVERY FUCKIN’ DAY I’VE BEEN GETTIN’ UP AND LIVIN’ THIS LIE FOR THE LONGEST. I’M CONSTANLY REMINDED OF HOW I CAN’T HAVE THIS ONE THING THAT I LIVE FOR. WOULD DIE FOR. I STAY BY YOUR SIDE... EVEN THOUGH YOU TRY TO PUSH ME AWAY. I’M HERE!.. TO ANSWER YOUR EVERY CALL, TEND TO YOUR EVERY NEED AND SUPPORT YOU…”

          “NO. You really are hurting me!” I interrupted, while squirming, which only made the pain worse. He quickly let go.

          “OH SHIT. FUCK! My bad Nic. I’m so sorry.” He apologized as he almost hugged the life out of me. I would’ve attempted to push him away but my arms were saying ‘We gone do what? Bitch please!’

          “I’ll be fine, Safaree. If you don’t suffocate me.” I told him.

          “Right. Umm, yeah… I really am sorry.” He said, loosening his embrace but not letting me go.

          “I said I’m fine. Damn.”

          “Sure?” He said, resting his chin on my head.

          “If you not gone continue, you can leave.”

          “Wow. So now you want me to finish.” He started. “Bet you can’t even tell me the last thing I said.” I rolled my eyes.

          “You were rubbin’ all the things you do for me in my face… because you hurt.” I said simply. He chuckled. “Ain’t shit funny.”

          “You were actually listening.” He mumbled while shakin’ his head in disbelief.

          “Goodbye.”

          “Ok, ok. I’ma finish.” He laughed. “Since you want me to.”

          “I change my mind. I don’t wanna hear no more.”

          “You don’t know what you want.” That statement just triggered my suppressed anger. I hate we he tries to tell me about myself.

“So!”

“So?! When’s the last time you’ve even thought about wantin’ something outside of your career?”

“Just now... I want you to let go of me and get the fuck out.”

          “Seriously Nic, you’re the most selfish, selfless person I know.”

          “And when did this become a problem for you?”

          “When you started to let me in, then switched like 50.”

          “You wrong.” I scolded, while pointing at him. “And my mistake… won’t happen again.”

          “That’s fucked up.” He said, finally letting me go. “And don’t waste apologies.”

          “That’s life.” I said hanging my head.

          “I don’t believe you.” He said, while softly but rapidly shaking his leg. At first I assumed it was because he was mad. But then I saw the time on the alarm clock I rarely use. Bet he ain’t even take his medicine.

          “You don’t gotta believe me.” I told him, laying back down.

          “You don’t even believe you.” He huffed.

          “Leave me alone, Safaree.” I whined before he laid his big head on my thigh. It was nice and quiet for about 5 whole minutes before he spoke again.

“Why’d you fuck me, Onika?” He asked, not looking up as if he was talking to my vagina. I let out a painful chuckle. This moment was too real.

“I’ve been asking myself that since the very first time.” I sighed.

“Oh.” He replied, before looking up into my eyes. He stared for a minute before asking.. “Am I just a good cum?” I tried to keep a straight face.

“Yep.” I answered before my smile betrayed me. We both laughed. “But you could be the bestest to someone who’s not so damaged. I mean, someone who can be completely open and truly appreciate you.” I let him know while rubbing his head.

“I know you can, just try.” He pleaded.

“Maybe… but not right now.”

“You suck.” I stopped and slapped him upside his head.

“Only if I think he’s really special. Like hubby material.”

“So I’m hubby material?” I shook my head. “You do love me.” He sighed happily.

“You’re crazy.”

“Nope. I just realized if you didn’t love me the only thing a nigga could do was give you top.”

“That’s not true.” I lied, trying to move from underneath him.

“Oh, but it is.” He said, turning over and kissing his way up my thigh. Stubborn ass.

“You think I’d let just anybody eat this.”

“You know that’s not what I meant.” He responded while reaching for the hem of my shirt.

 “Stop.” I said, smacking his arms.

“It’s mine.”

“You betta be talkin’ about this shirt.”

“That too.”

 “Move. Damn! People can fuck without having feelings.”

“Nuh uh. Not you.” He said with the biggest grin on his face.

          “Did you take your medicine?” I asked, as he attempted to get the shirt off me, but I wouldn’t let him. As much as he was turning me on, I vowed to never let our relationship get that far again… again. We had tried this before and it didn’t work. The cons outweighed the pros, so we decided to just go back to normal… well, I decided.

“SO what if I don’t take that bloodclot medicine. Who needs it?” He answered before giving it another try. As he slid the fabric up, past my hips, stomach, and boobs, I tried to hide the fact that I was enjoying it. The only thing I had the willpower to do was tense up. It didn’t seem to be working though. He continued to run his hands up and down my body, the whole time murmuring shit in my ear like ‘I want you Nic... all of you.. to myself’, ‘I don’t just wanna fuck.. we can make love’ and ‘Don’t you miss this?’

Oh God. Of course I missed it, but I didn’t answer him in fear of a moan escaping. I’ve been with a few guys in my life, but S.B. has been my only in at least 5 years. The only reason I agreed to be with him at first was lust. Just like now. I know I have the strength to stop him. To say no. But his big goofy hands feel so much better than mines. I needed a man in my life. One who could stimulate, love, and please me. Mentally, spiritually, and sexually. But I didn’t feel like going thru the long process of getting to know someone. Only to find out they’re not capable. Shit, S.B. was right here. He had the greatest potential to be that man. Plus I know him more than I know myself sometimes. I was just about to give in, but was saved by the vibration of my phone. He was right… again.. and I was glad. The probability of it being a business related call stole my focus. I reached for it, but he stopped me. He gave me a look. Could’ve been THE look, but I was back to reality. Well, what I chose to be mine. I looked into his eyes and he mirrored me. I turned my neck even more so I could be face to face with my former lover and I pecked his lips.

          “You need it. Go take your meds.” I told him as I turned to grab my phone. I had one new voicemail, it was from Wayne.

          “How you gone get mad at me and yo ass ain’t answerin’ yo shit either.” Wayne’s voice blared from my Blackberry. I hit end and sat it back down. I’d call him back later. Sighing, I got out of bed, and pulled the shirt down. S.B. followed and I took advantage of that. Heading down the hall and into his room, I went to his bathroom. Once in, I opened his medicine cabinet and got out the Adderall.

          “Two?” I teased. Then took one out and held it up to him on my palm. He looked at me, scratched his head, and bent his head down to lick it up. After it stuck to his tongue, he swallowed it down without water.

“Ew. You are such a freak.” I said. A grin crept onto his face as he hung his head. “Good boy.” I said, patting it a couple times before turning to wash my hands. When I was done, he grabbed my waist, pulling me closer to him, and rested his forehead against mine.

          “Nicki.” Is all he said. Nobody ever gave me a break. Why can’t I just be single and happy? It’s like they expect me to be with somebody, and their always the perfect one.

          “Safaree.” I mimicked, removing his hands from my waist. “Don’t start again… Please.” Then I made my way to the kitchen to make us something to eat. He didn’t follow, so I guess he was either mad, or finally got the muthafuckin’ hint… TO BE CONTINUED ;-P